he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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