You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
