He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
