I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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