If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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