I think I died a long time ago.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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