Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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