I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
