He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Sorry my hands just texted you
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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