You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
