you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Randomize
