I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
