you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
