i already hear my dad disowning me
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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