my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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