i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
