I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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