i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
