grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
