I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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