why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
