I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
