whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
i out mim tonsoeep
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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