im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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