Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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