I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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