I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
