why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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