3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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