Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
