U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
