My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
