the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
