does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize