I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
