Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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