So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
