I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
