Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
