one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
