you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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