we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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