you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
