So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
