I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
