just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
