oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
