Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
