I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
