I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
