well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
