When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
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