Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
