I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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