Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I need to calm my uterus...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
