I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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