How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
