we're chasing vodka with high fives
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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