My nipple is on Facebook.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize