shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
