I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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