so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
